Potential and Privilege

For whatever reason, I have this notion that every blog I post has to be deep and meaningful, that there has to be something behind it other than just the notion to write. I love to write and love to write just for the sake of writing, but I don't like writing about the everyday minutia or boring things that happen every day. I don't want my blog to be full of entries that are just the same, just blah. So I've been trying to come up with some things that are more meaningful, at least to me and more interesting for my readers, i.e. you.

As luck would have it, I had a relatively meaningful experience a few weeks ago. This was something that I meant to write about earlier, but just didn't take the time to do so. So, here I am… trying to make sense of the experience, put it into words and share with the world around me. I've heard it said that writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. Not sure if I entirely agree with that, but it definitely takes a certain type of person to write and have others not only understand but enjoy the work.

My branch here in Montrose has organized a group for the women to meet together and discuss gospel principles. Twice a year, the Church holds what is known as General Conference in which the leaders of the Church speak to the members about given issues/topics. Then, the following month, the Church publishes the talks in the monthly magazine known as the Ensign. For the month of May, we studied a talk given by a wonderful man named Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He spoke of the authority granted to the men of our Church and how many of them fail to live up to their true potential in this calling.

As women, we were trying to find what it was that we could do to help our men live up to their fullest potential. After some personal reflection and guidance from my fellow sisters, my biggest challenge is to put my "do it switch" to the "now" position. I constantly find myself putting things off until the last minute and then rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off because I didn't do my work when I had the time. Instead I tend to sit around and do nothing, rest and watch TV, or whatever. I am getting better about things, but Ender also likes to watch movies too… just today he asked if he could watch Tron!

Regardless of where my "do it switch" is at the moment, I need to make an effort to turn it to the "now" position on a much more regular basis. I feel better, the house looks better and life is much happier! ;)

Temple Trip

In my haste to talk about road kill, I forgot to mention our trip to the temple last weekend. I recently had the distinct impression that we would get pregnant after we had gone to the temple and Ender started walking. Well… at least one of those requisites has been achieved! Ender is doing pretty well with standing on his own and has taken some steps, but is still a bit out of walking on his own. ScottE and I hadn't been to the temple since I got pregnant with Ender which was more than 2.5 years ago. I really felt like we needed to make getting there a priority. It gets to be really tough because of ScottE's work schedule and the fact that he really only has one day a week to do things around the house and/or relax. We finally made the decision that this was something we really wanted to do and made the goofy choice of going to D.C. rather than Palmyra (D.C. is 5 hours away from where we live; Palmyra is only 2 hours). However, we wanted to go and see Carter and Jessica who live in Virginia and not very far from the D.C. temple. It became an all-day affair. We arrived around noon and had some time to kill until Carter got off work.

We went to the Smithsonian Air and Space museum! We brought a babysitter with us (a very willing and able young man named Jared from our branch) to watch Ender while we were in the temple. The boys had a lot of fun looking at all of the machines and gadgets. I got pretty bored pretty fast but I'm not really the museum-going-type. I like to sit and talk or watch a movie, not spend the afternoon on my feet. Ender was really tired because he didn't nap the entire drive down and he doesn't do well sitting still. He likes to be moving constantly. All things considered, he did pretty well for an almost 2 year old.

Shortly before Carter got off work, we headed back to their apartment to finish the preparations for dinner. Upon Carter's arrival, we had dinner and then prepared to depart to the temple. Traffic was relatively light which made our rush to attend our desired time slot a little less stressful.

I had forgotten how peaceful and quiet the temple can be. As soon as we walked in, my cares and worries vanished. I felt calm and complete. While sitting with ScottE after our session, I said a prayer to myself. I reflected on the things that I had learned and relearned and asked what more I could do to become the Daughter that He would like for me to become. Very clearly, I heard 3 things, very simple come back to me in my own voice. I was reminded of the importance of daily Scripture study, daily prayer and writing daily. These have been emphasized on an increasing basis to me, both in Church lessons and in personal reflection.

Since our trip, I have been trying to keep up with these three things. I have found that I sleep better when I read and say my prayers at night. But with our bedtime becoming later and later, it's been difficult for me to do both. I have been trying to at least read every night. Some weeks I do really well, others, not so much. But the point is that I'm trying.

As far as writing is concerned, I am doing my best. Some days I write and write, while others I only think about it. Again, I am trying… and that's really all I can do for now, is strive with all that I have to do better.

Roadkill and a Novel

It may be a strange thing to think about, but as I was driving today, I couldn’t help but notice the road kill. Out in California, there are always cats and dogs, sometimes you’ll see (or rather smell) a skunk or two, but that’s generally it for the drive-by critters. Out here in rural PA is another story. I often see – deer, skunks, groundhogs, beavers, rabbits, and of course cats and dogs (although dogs, not very often). But today, I saw one of the saddest things. Someone had hit a turtle! It was a pretty big one too. I can’t imagine hitting a turtle. The other day, ScottE saw a small one on the side of the road. After nearly hitting it, he turned around and put it in the bed of the pickup to take to our little Thomas who was overjoyed to have it (it has since disappeared into their yard somewhere). I never thought I would see turtles on the side of the road. Just another sign of how life’s choices can forever change your perspective on life.

Another thing that happened today was my cousin got married!! I am so happy for her because she has found a terrific guy who understands her through and through. I wish them all the best and am hoping to be able to see them when they come to the east coast for their honeymoon ;) lol

At the rate of our procreation (which is at a significant stalemate at the moment), it seems as though our family will not grow to the 5 children we had thought we were planning for. For the most part, I think that I am okay with that because it was my impression that we were going to have that many. My thoughts may change in time (or perhaps Heavenly Father has some different plans for us) but for now, I’m almost resigned to think we will only have 2 or 3. It would make our car buying options a bit more open! ;) lol But the number of children we are going to have is not really the topic at hand… at least not right now. I constantly have a running list of names going through my mind. I don’t know if this is because we are supposed to have a bunch of children, or if perhaps there is a different purpose. After a relatively lengthy conversation with my sister-in-law, Jessica, I think I have decided that part of why I have so many names in my head is because I have a book to write. I have always enjoyed reading and writing but never thought I would sit down and crank out a novel. I am unsure if I will seek publication, but for now, I am content to try to find the story within. I went to Barnes & Noble and picked up a couple of books on writing and I am currently reading one on character and viewpoint development. I’ve considered writing a memoir too, but I’m not sure that will work out for the best. I think fiction is really the way to go for me and I’m actually pretty excited about it! I just need to stay disciplined and block out some time every day to write. If I do that then I know I can come up with some great ideas. I just hope the little man cooperates!

Wish me luck!

Choices

It is amazing how life turns out sometimes. I never thought I would live anywhere but the central valley of California. I never thought I would call someplace else home. I have had the privilege of going home multiple times since my move out here more than 2 years ago, but it's really nit home to me anymore. I know that I have only been in PA for just over 2 years and that I lived in Cali for more than 20, but PA is so much more home. I just don't feel the peace there that I do here. I do, however miss the dry heat. I would take 100* heat any day over the humidity that we deal with here, especially in Philly. I do not like feeling like I am wet all over!
Another thing that has surprised me over the years is how it seems strange to see my maiden name. I know the Lawsons are very much a part of me (and the Rogers too), but I feel like I've always been Holman. Occasionally I will see something with my maiden name on it and it just looks so weird to me. I know that I have only been Holman for 6 years out of my nearly 25, but it suits me and I am eternally grateful for the name and the family that has come with it.

For some reason, ScottE and I got onto topic of past choices and what we could or should have done differently. While I typically think of my life as one of some poor choices, I usually chalk everything up to what was meant to be. But today I was listening to the song "Letter to Me" by Brad Paisley and it got me thinking about what I would write if I could send myself a letter at 17. That was a time in my life when I was making some major decisions, choices that have had a great impact on the person that I am now. It was when I lost my virginity. It was when I listened to the LDS missionaries for the first time. It was when I decided to move away from my family to be with the man I knew I would marry. It was a time of profound impact, good and bad. I don't want to say that I regret any of those choices (except perhaps the choice to engage in premarital sex) because if I hadn't made the choices I did, it is likely I wouldn't be where I am today. It is possible that ScottE and I could have ended up together. It is possible that we could still have our precious little boy. But the fact remains that we just don't know. I too often play the "what if" game with myself and wind up strolling down memory lane, wondering if I always made the right choices in life. Remembering and wallowing are very different and I hope I manage to only do the former. I don't want to wallow in my past. It's in the past for a reason. While there are some things I occasionally wish I had done differently, for the most part, I am pretty happy with where I am in my life right now. I think the only real wish I have is to have another baby and that's something that should come with time and practice ;-)

A New Process

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got to run into town and feel accomplished. I participated in my school stuff and got the minimum completed for now. I got inventory processed for ScottE and got to spend time with my boy. I got to watch some cool racing and beautiful men (i.e. Vin Diesel!). I even restarted LOTR, which is always a bonus in my book! ;-) I think that I've finally found a way to write everyday... I know that it won't be fail proof because I know there will be days that I want to write and ScottE will be home or we will be out running errands or something, but I'm taking full advantage of this app! I just discovered a lot of new features. While I don't particularly like typing on my phone (as opposed to using the computer), it's a lot easier because I can more easily put it down and walk away when Ender should need something. He doesn't really like me sitting at the computer much and with how much he likes buttons, it's tough to have him on my lap anymore while I'm trying to work. I think this is a reasonable solution for now ;-)

I started a new blog today for Ender. I think that someday we will look back on it and be very grateful that I did. There is already so much that I've forgotten and he's not even 2! I think this is something I will do for all of my children... I hope they will appreciate all of the work that I put into it for them...

Anyway, now that this is just for me ;) lol... I felt pretty good yesterday. I've been easing into a new diet. I recently tried to do a round of the hcG diet which is great and I lost 11 pounds, but it was way too hard and even easier to cheat. I did really well for the first bit, but lost momentum and felt I couldn't go on. This new diet that I have been introduced to, though, is much more doable... I've just been needing to ease I to it because I have to greatly reduce (okay, eliminate) my sugar intake and there are too many things in the house that are still a temptation. I am slowly eating everything, but I am also trying to eat better all around. More veggies and less processed stuff. The only issue that I have with this diet is that the only snack option it gave for my body type (it's called the body type diet) is a hard boiled egg. I HATE hard boiled eggs!! I'll eat them almost any other way, but NOT hard boiled. I guess I just need to do a little more research to see what other options there are for me. I really think this is going to work for me though! I want to lose about 20 pounds, so it's going to take time, but I'm willing to be patient ;)

Other than dieting, life is good. School is going well. I feel like I'm fitting in with the group that I've been placed with pretty well and my team assignments have been smoother. I'm a little worried about finding a job because the economy is so on the fritz and districts are currently fighting to just keep the teachers they have. Hopefully I'll be able to get my foot in the door somewhere, somehow and something will open up for me.

Until later...

Motorcycles, Daffodils and Physical Therapy

I have had a lot of things running around in my old brain pan... but have not taken the time to write things out like I know that I should. ScottE and I had a stupid fight the other day and I took a bit of time to begin the process of purging my feelings and realized how much better I felt after doing so. I realize this is not always possible as I hate my handwriting and am not always near a computer. My phone is often a great resource, but it is currently out of commission because I am a duffus and updated it without thinking. I am hoping to remedy that soon.

What has been going on with me? you may or may not be asking yourself. For the most part, life has been treating us pretty well. ScottE is currently in Dallas, Texas with Papa Greg to obtain a motorcycle. So, I am here, alone as I so frequently am. Most of the time I don't mind, but over the weekend is unusual. I am coping though.

Spring is in full swing here and the world is green again. A couple of weeks ago, I was privileged to go on a motorcycle ride with ScottE and Papa Greg. We rode down to our old stomping grounds of Mount Joy. It was about a 3 hour trek and on a motorcycle, that's a really long time. It was a very enjoyable time though. Initially it was cold, but eventually it warmed up sufficiently and we got to shed some layers. It is such an incredible experience on a motorcycle. The world looks so much different and you are really able to see things much more clearly. When we went, spring was just getting started and many flowers were in bloom – including two of my absolute favorites, tulips and daffodils. They were so beautiful. I can't wait to plant some around our house!

As we were riding, I kept thinking about this time when I was in junior high. My mom spent a lot of time working on our flower beds. I couldn't say how much, but I know that she was proud of her work and would hate to see someone destroy it. I had just gotten home from school and I saw these kids picking my mom's flowers. I was furious! I ran outside, screaming, “You get back here with my mom's flowers!” I never saw where they went, but they dropped the daffodils around the corner. I picked them up and brought them into the house to be put in a vase. When my mom got home, I told her what happened because she saw the flowers in the vase. She dubbed me the “Keeper of the Daffodils.” It was an eventful day to say the least, but I was proud.

I hope that I can continue to be the “Keeper of the Daffodils” and grow some of my own someday. Perhaps one of my children will continue with the tradition and become “Keepers” themselves.

In other news, Ender is doing well. His vocabulary never ceases to amaze me. He is very much a parrot already, which means I have to be careful what I say. Not to say that I use inappropriate language, but it is amazing how words change when they are heard from the mouth of a child. It reminds me of when my oldest niece was 3 and said the word “stupid.” Not really a bad word, but definitely not appropriate for a toddler to be saying!

Today, we were sitting in the living room and I had the windows open because the weather has been so beautiful. I have a box fan on a table and the wind was coming through and spun the fan blades. Not really thinking anything of it, I hear Ender say, “Oooo! Cool!” It was so adorable and incredibly unexpected. He's growing up way to fast!

Ender's physical therapy is going well. We had his initial appointment last week and he had another appointment today. He is standing a lot more and trying to transfer from articles of furniture. He is trying to develop his balance and his therapist says that he is making great progress. For the time being, he has weekly appointments. I have exercises to do with him everyday and hopefully he will be more independent soon! He already is pretty independent, but it would be wonderful if I didn't have to carry him every time we needed to go somewhere!

Hopefully May will be a month full of creativity and wonder. The weather has been fantastic but I am hoping to really get into a groove of writing on a regular basis as well as participating in my school forums more consistently. Wish me luck! ;)

Ford Girl

I've been telling more friends and family about my blog and as a consequence have been thinking more and more about writing, at least in general. I constantly have this running monologue in my head about what I would write if I had the availability to sit down and write just then, but most of the time these things go on at the most inopportune moments – usually when I'm driving. If someone has a suggestion to remedy this issue, please, speak up! I'm dying to get these ideas on paper (or at least screen), but have no idea how to document them as they come. I don't feel that speaking them aloud is plausible because of Ender and also because my thoughts are rarely one tracked. I usually get off on some tangent and then come back around to my original track and get off again at some point. It would be really confusing to try to decipher my thoughts that way! Any suggestions though, I am very much open! ;)

So, what exactly, you might be asking has been circling my brain pan? Oddly enough, stuff about cars. As I was driving home yesterday, I kept thinking about my dream car – namely what I would be dreaming of driving if I weren't so bent on ensuring we had something for the large (or at least more than 3 children) family we've been anticipating we would have. I was thinking about cars versus SUVs and the benefits of both. Much to the chagrin of my parents, I am oddly brand loyal. I am very much a Ford girl, through and through. ;) Even in the area we live now, I would be able to use a car, so long as it had All-Wheel drive. My first choice would be a Taurus or a Fusion. If money were no object, I would still like to stay in the “Ford family” and I would get a Lincoln of the same models.

However, given our circumstances, I have planned to eventually acquire an Expedition, as my first choice anyway. I wouldn't mind a Freestyle, but they are more difficult to come by and don't have a lot of cargo room or ground clearance. Someday, I will get the car of my dreams... for the time being, though, I am grateful to have a vehicle to get me from point A to point B. Right now that vehicle is a Chevy Tahoe. Alas, my dream of being a Ford family has been temporarily dashed, but I know that one day, ScottE and I will both be driving Ford trucks!! ;)

Aside from my day dreaming of Fords, there has been a great deal of other things on my mind... namely getting Ender motivated to walk and getting back into school. As far as Ender is concerned, I have gotten him started in the process of enrolling him in Early Intervention. His coordinator came by for an initial meeting and interview on Wednesday. She asked some preliminary questions to get a base line for what programs should be provided for Ender. I will be getting more information from her soon – 2-3 weeks from Wednesday (I'm assuming).

On a very excited note, I will be going back to school on Tuesday!! I am super thrilled to be getting back into my routine and finishing my degree. My brief sabbatical has pushed back my graduation a bit, so I won't be finishing until September of 2012, but I really needed a break. Constant enrollment in a class and not having a break for the past year and a half or so was very tiring, regardless of the fact that it's “only online.” Many have given me a hard time about going to school online rather than going to a traditional school. I agree that online is a lot easier and sometimes I wish I had gone to a brick and mortar. But the thing of it is, I really wanted to be home for my children. I didn't want to have to find a babysitter or pay for daycare. I wanted to raise my children myself. I knew that if I enrolled in a traditional school, when I did have children, I would either drop out and not finish, or would go bankrupt trying to care for my children. I didn't want either. When the opportunity to go presented itself, I really put my foot down with ScottE and expressed to him how important it was for me to start now rather than waiting “until the perfect time” because I knew that would never come. There would always be something standing in the way of me and my education. It may not be the best there is and it may be “easier” than other routes, but it works for me and mine.

I am also glad that Winter is going away! We have been getting a mild sprinkling this week, but most of the snow has melted and given way to an abundance of mud. It's still pretty cold out there, but things are getting better. Today has actually been a pretty day! ;)

Life is going to get pretty hectic as I try to reestablish my routine for school and spending time with an ever increasingly active little boy. I'm sure I will find the motivation to take advantage of his nap times and get things done during the day rather than waiting until night time / the last minute to accomplish my goals for the day. Wish me luck!