Human Nature?

I’m beginning to wonder if change is really possible. I would surely hope so because I am getting a bit tired of the way life is going right now. I feel I get caught in the same ruts over and over again… I try to find solutions, which work for some time, but then I fall back into old habits and have to start all over again. Why can’t I just make the change and it stick? Why do I have to keep making the same changes over and over again? As usual, my most recent project is trying to maintaining the house and my other responsibilities as the housekeeper. I have a really hard time establishing routines. I think the biggest issue is that I don’t have anyone to be accountable to. I know that keeping a clean house and paying the bills for my boys should be enough to make me get up and walk away from the TV or book or whatever, but for some reason it’s not. I’ve tried rewarding myself with TV time after I get stuff done, but I end up sitting down first and putting my chores off until later. I keep telling myself, “I’ll just do it later…” but then I don’t get those things done!

I’ve also noticed that I build things up in my head. I make it seem like whatever it is that I need to do is going to take me all day – or even more than 5 minutes and so I don’t want to do it right now… and I put it off. When the truth of the matter is, it really wouldn’t take that long if I would just get up and do it. Plus, then I would have more time to do what I want because I wouldn’t be worried about getting the necessary things done! Why can’t I convince myself of this? I know it to be truth! I know that I would only have to work for about an hour and then I could pretty much do whatever I wanted – make some new beauty product, research some new obsession, catch up on blogging, do some writing, watch a movie – whatever! I just should be getting my work done FIRST!!

One of the phrases I’ve had running through my head is to flip my “do it switch” to now – when I think of something to do, say the dishes or putting away the laundry, I should do it right then. No thinking about it, no rationalization of why I should be doing nothing, just do it. Of course this is much easier said than done… I guess I really just need to force myself and as I do so, it will become a habit and then I won’t have to worry about it because I’ll already be doing it! =)

I don’t know if there is anyone else that falls into this rut. The women that I spend time with seem to have everything figured out and are always bustling about doing the things that I should do on a regular basis but don’t, simply because I am lazy and unwilling to do the work that has been asked of me, even though it’s simple. I don’t know if I will ever be as productive as they, but I will definitely try! 

I just need to remember to flip my do it switch and that things never take as long as I think they will. Time to put up some Post-Its!! =) lol

Catharsis

Well, well... it's now into February and no blog from the world the Holmans of northeast PA. A lot and yet nothing at all has changed since my last post... Thanksgiving came and went with an air of gratitude and fellowship. Our trip out to California was eventful, slightly stressful, but most importantly a lot of fun. We got to see a lot of people we (or at least ScottE) hadn't seen in some time and ScottE got to spend a lot of time working on cars which is something he greatly enjoys but has very little time to do on a regular basis.

The stressful part came when we were ready to come home... we planned to drive home, in a car that we co-signed for – the current owner is unable to make the payments and is wanting something smaller that gets better fuel mileage – but after a lot of debate was unable to give up the car because she has nothing else to drive. Completely understandable since she is a single mother and needs to work, but the problem was we bought one-way tickets in anticipation of our drive home and she had told us that we could take possession of the car because we had been making the payments for both the loan and the insurance for the past few months. Suffice it to say that we ended up flying home with the promise of delivery of our car within the next few months. We'll just have to wait and see.

I don't know if I've mentioned this at all to anyone, but in November we decided to try to sell our car. Initially I was hesitant because I really like having a car because it makes getting around for just me and Ender much easier. I wasn't ready to give that up so easily, but after much deliberation, we decided it was best for the family in the long run. About a week into 2011, the car sold!! We were kind of surprised but very grateful that the car sold so quickly and easily... we even made a bit of a profit! So we have a car loan paid off and will soon be inheriting another... c'est la vie.

In addition to selling our car, we are planning to buy a 4 wheel drive. We've been having some pretty crazy storms lately and right now we can't even get up our own driveway! It's been a little frustrating and slightly embarrassing, but we are surviving and I guess that is what really counts. ;)

Aside from all of the news about our past and future transportation, things are going relatively well. Ender's vocabulary expands with every hour and he's nearly grown a mouthful of teeth (I think he has 13 or 14 now). He's still not walking which is a bit of a concern but for the most part I'm not worried. He's freaking brilliant and grows smarter everyday. He's learning his colors – he can't yet identify other items but he has several toy balls of different colors and he knows which one is green and which one is yellow. He tries to mimic what we say and his taste buds are developing... he doesn't like hot stuff as much as he used to. He is already beginning to develop the attitude of a 2 year old and he's not even 18 months old yet!!

As it's been said, the only constant in life is change. Things have been changing in my life, some due to my own choices, others due to the choices of those in my life. For the most part, these changes have been positive. I'm really trying to take the baby steps towards making my life what I really want it to be. I know that it's going to take time to establish the habits I want and it's hard to not get caught up in the “all or nothing” mentality and then fall into bad habits. I have good days and bad, but I'm trying and that's what counts, right?

One of the biggest things that I want to work on is writing more. I forget (and I know I say this a lot!) how cathartic it is to sit down and get all of my feelings out in the open. It really doesn't matter if I actually post it to the world or not. What really matters is getting everything off my chest and in the world of a journal or a word processor.

Another thing that I'm working on is losing some weight. I have about 25ish pounds that I would like to lose. I know that so many use the new year to establish new habits, but I would like to think that I have been trying to do these new things throughout the past year and am really wanting this year to be better than the last. I'm looking for healthier recipes and an exercise program that is neither boring nor overly strenuous. I'm also cutting down on my portions and that seems to be helping at least a little. ;) and I'm open to suggestions from anyone...

School is currently on hold because of procrastination on my part. I needed to get some testing done and fingerprints taken and processed. I've gotten the testing done and the kit for the fingerprints has arrived, but I have to go to a certified technician (i.e. the police department) but I have to pay for the processing. It's been a bit of a process, but it's in the works and I'm hoping to be back to school within the month.

I don't know why it takes me so long to sit down and write an update... perhaps because sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming. I definitely will be posting some pictures soon, whether on here or Facebook, I'm not sure yet. First I need to take some pictures! ;) anyway... I'm sitting in a hotel, listening to Ender not take his nap and wondering what I'm going to do to pass the time of today. I'm sure that I'll think of something. I've missed this feeling! (and my laptop ;) )

A new idea

While things are in a bit of a tumult right now for my family, I feel the most calm and collected that I have felt in a very long time. I feel relatively free, and though things are very uncertain at this juncture, I'm okay with that. I have begun to realize that a home is a necessary sanctuary, but in times of need, it is vital to have a grounded and gracious support system. I have been very grateful as of late to spend time with family and friends – people that I have not known very well until our recent decision to be house-less. I have also realized that even though we do not currently have a house, we are not homeless. We have been lucky to have a constant place to stay and I for one am very grateful for that, among many other things that have occurred lately.

I have been reading eat pray love in anticipation of the release of the movie. It has been a very inspirational book. I may not be experiencing everything that this poor woman is going through, but on several levels I can relate. Her story has helped me to realize many things about myself and has prompted, while not as in-depth as hers, a self-exploration of sorts.

Ever since I saw the movie, Julie & Julia, I have been wanting to develop some kind of blog that I would have to write or do something everyday. This has been a challenge for me because I don't like to get stuck in any kind of rut and I was afraid that something like that would cause too much monotony in my life. As I began searching (and reading eat pray love), I began to formulate what it was I wanted to write about. I have decided to develop a play on a prayer journal. I plan to write, everyday, three things that I am grateful for and three things that I need to work on. I plan to elaborate on each thing, so it won't just be 6 statements, leaving the reader wondering what it is exactly that I am talking about. I'm not sure if I will post it everyday or not, but I will at the very least take the time to write down my 6 statements everyday and then post them as I manage my time. I am hoping that I will be able to do it everyday, but we shall see. I guess I'm also looking for some feedback on this idea... let me know what you think! =)

Other than being house-less, things are going really well for us. We've been able to get a few things taken care of and are currently house hunting, which is stressful, but I think I've reached a place where I can be a little zen about it. Ender has been adjusting relatively swimmingly to the waves of change in our lives right now... still not crawling, but I'm not too worried about it. I can't believe he's almost a year old! Where did the time go??

Also, I don't think I mentioned this before, but our car was hit recently. Additionally, it was having some mechanical issues, but we just got it out of the shop this past weekend. It has been so nice to be able to drive the car rather than our pick-up everywhere. I did not realize how much I missed my car! Driving the truck was a little laborious. I am very grateful to have my car back... it truly is the little things that make life grand. =) I really should have taken some pictures to share, but alas, I forgot.

So, I guess I'm looking for a little encouragement on my new idea, but I think I will start the real work on it this weekend. Please, let me know what you think! =) For now, ciao!

Birthday fun and Moving woes

I had a feeling that after updating my few readers about the minutia that has been going on that I would receive a deluge of inspiration to write. While I haven't really written anything since that time, I have had the urge to do so. Just today I had this vision of myself sitting down in some hotel room and finding the strength and motivation to write each and every day over the course of the next month or so. I'm not sure why. I think part of it is because I won't really have much else to do, but the other part is that I really want to be writing everyday. I just don't have the motivation or energy to do so. I need to just buck up and do it! I know I have at the very least a series of short stories in me... perhaps even a short novel – a novella, or something similar. I'm not getting my hopes up about anything though. And I'm certainly not deluded enough to think that I will ever become a published author, but still I can dream right?

Things have been going very well with the move. We are very quickly learning what we can live with and what we can easily live without. It will be nice to be down to a very few simple things, but it is also very scary to not have everything we are used to having on a regular basis. It's going to be rather interesting to see how Ender reacts to the constant changes that will occur over the next month or so.

On a different note, my birthday has come and gone... it was a good day though! ScottE and I went out to dinner and a movie – Red Robin (YUM!!) and Knight and Day. We had a great time and are very grateful to our neighbor who came over to stay with Ender. She has watched him for us a couple of times now, but he's always been in bed the entire time! Not much of job, but he's such an easy baby anyway! What really topped my night off was when we got home, Sarah (our neighbor) had cleaned my kitchen! I had left a few dishes in the sink from the past few days – I was going to get around to it the next morning, but I was ecstatic that I didn't have to worry about it. Probably my favorite gift! =)

Also, a few months ago, ScottE got me an iPhone from a friend of a friend. But it was just a 2G (so first generation) and only 4GB. It was sufficient for me and I was thrilled to have an iPhone. But being the klutz that I am, I dropped it and the screen quit working. I was very sad, but there is this awesome place in Lancaster that fixes all kinds of electronic devices (we had taken my iPhone there to get unlocked because we have T-Mobile). Anyway, I took it down there to get the screen repaired and they decided it probably wasn't worth it, but offered us a 3G for the same price! So, we thought, repair the 4GB or double my storage space for the same price? NO BRAINER!! We decided to get the newer phone. There were a few issues with it at first, and I still don't get great Wi-Fi connectivity, but it's mine and I love it. Kind of a birthday present to myself... =)

Moving sucks

I've been wanting to post an update for some time now... just haven't found the motivation or even the energy. Things have been a little hectic for us lately – as you continue to read, you will better understand. I know there are some things that I have not written about (i.e. - Mother's Day, Memorial Day, and Father's Day), so I will update you on those things first and then get to the mayhem...

Mother's Day came and went for me this year. Nothing spectacular happened. The only real highlight was that Ender was saying “Momma” at that point in time. He has since ceased doing so. The only joy that brings me is the fact that I know he will say it enough over the course of his lifetime to make up for that lack of it now.

Memorial Day was wonderful. ScottE, Carter and I were able to go to Hershey Park. We had a blast. It was difficult leaving Ender alone for the first time, especially for the full day. But we all survived. We rode all of the roller-coasters in about 2 hours. It wasn't nearly as crowded as we expected it to be which was nice. But we did not go prepared to get wet – which we did because it was really hot that day.

Father's Day we spent in Springville with ScottE's sister and her family. We had a lot of fun, but it was a difficult weekend for me. ScottE had been gone all week and was needed to help with the chicken coop. Add to that the fact that Ender was refusing to take his naps and would not sit down without me, I was a little more than spent. But again, we all survived.

Okay. Recently my computer decided to no longer charge. Apparently the charge port has been damaged somehow. Which really sucks because most of our music is on my laptop, along with nearly all of our pictures from the past year (i.e. - Ender's whole life!). We are hoping to get it fixed soon, but with everything else going on, it's not likely for at least a little while.

The process of moving has begun. It is starting to get very bare in our home. We have already moved our dressers, couches, a desk, most of Ender's baby clothes, clothes we don't plan on wearing any time soon and a majority of ScottE's tools. We have a storage unit in Reading, which is nice, but here is where things get a little tricky. We aren't moving to Reading any more!! After our initial plan fell through, ScottE and I were at a loss for what to do. We were being really picky about where we moved to because we have moved way to much over the course of our 5 year marriage and we are both tired of it. Our plan was to get a very specific unit in Reading, live there for a few years, buy some property up near Jana and her family, then borrow against the equity and put a house on it, then move up there. Well, I guess you could say we're skipping a step.

After much prayer and conversation, ScottE and I have decided the best thing for us to do is to be near family. We are going to be moving up to the Springville/Tunkhannock area which is in northern PA. As of now, we are not entirely sure where we are going to be staying until we find a place of our own, but we are planning to buy a house within the next year (hopefully not that long). It's a little scary not really knowing where we are going, but we are trusting that our Heavenly Father will point us in the right direction when the time comes.

So, aside from the moving debacle, things are going pretty well. I've finally started some of my core classes, meaning my education courses. I'm stoked about that, but dreading the fact that it's been all math. However, there is a silver lining in that I'm getting them done now in the beginning so I don't have to worry about them later, which is really nice.

Ender is now 11 months old!! I can't believe it!! Where does the time go... Everyone told me how quickly it goes (I believed them, but still!). It seems unreal to me that he will be 1 year old here very soon. He is still not crawling, which right now is very much okay with me. Trying to pack everything and keep track of him would be way too much for me to handle everyday. But I'm not all that concerned about him not crawling. I read an article in which the author quoted a doctor who basically said as long as baby is babbling, he/she is developing fine. I can testify that Ender babbles constantly. I love listening to him and talking back to him. His smile and laughter light up a room...

Another big thing going on this summer is I'm going back to CA for a couple of weeks. Initially, ScottE and I were planning to stay in a hotel for a bit until our unit became available in Reading. Now plans have changed, but I'm still coming home. I will be there from August 12th through the 26th. I'm really excited! Ender has grown so much and I've missed my family.

Well... there has been some craziness and some exciting changes in our lives. I hope to not go so long between posts next time! =)

The early bird gets what... to take a nap?

I have never been an early bird. In fact, I've never really been able to get up at the time when I set my alarm. I simply hit that snooze button as many times as I possibly can justify and get those few precious moments of added slumber. Yet for the past few weeks, I've been waking up much earlier than normal – any time between 4:30 and 5 am – no where close to normal for me. What's a girl to do? Normally, I can just go back to sleep. But this morning, after getting up, using the toilet, getting a drink of water, shifting positions repeatedly, my attempts have amassed to nothing. And here I am, writing to you instead of doing what I would much rather be doing – sleeping!

For as long as I can remember, my dad has been an early bird. Regardless of what time he goes to bed, he wakes up before his alarm. I had always been lucky enough to be able to sleep in until I truly wanted to get up. Is this the start of a new me? Am I going to be getting up with the sun? I'm not sure how long this will continue, but until it changes (or doesn't, I guess), I'm planning to take advantage of it.

In addition to waking up early, the past few weeks have been full of intense conversations, between me and ScottE as well as with our best friend back home, Laura. I'm not sure what else is going on, but there has definitely been some kind of shift within me. I'm calling it “delayed postpartum depression.” I've been rather moody and difficult to get along with. I applaud those who have seen this side of me and have dealt with it rather skillfully. Both ScottE and Laura have been the brunt of my wrath over the past few weeks and for that I am sorry. I know I can be difficult to get along with at times... but I feel we are on the upswing of things as I finally have realized what's going on.

I feel like Ender is growing up, like he's not my little baby anymore. I know he is still very dependent upon me for a lot of things. I'm so happy to see him learning and growing. But a part of me feels like he doesn't need so much from me, or perhaps that our bond isn't as strong as it used to be. Maybe another part of it is the fact that we live so far from all of our family and I've been more than a little homesick. Maybe another issue is just that I don't get out of the house as much as I should (or even could). Maybe I'm just getting baby hungry. Or perhaps my body is just starting to get back to normal after not having its cycle for over a year and a half. I'm not sure what is truly going on, but I do know this: I am aware of it and am doing something about it.

I am very determined to get up at a decent time (which for me is anytime before 7). Yesterday was a hard day, but I know today is going to be better. In point of fact, it already is as I am sitting here rather than lying in bed.

I am going to get out of the house more. I know I've said this in the past, but I am going to set a schedule, and stick to it. I find when I do spend time with others, I tend to stay until they kick me out (or rather politely say they have other things they need to get to), or until Ender or I get tired. I won't do that anymore. I will stay for a couple of hours, then get back to what I had planned for the day. I am hoping this will give me the motivation to actually do it rather than just saying that I will. I don't think I will get as overwhelmed with things this way. Plus, if things are going well, it will allow me to be happy with staying longer periods of time.

I think writing on a much more regular basis will help me with things too. I already feel a lot better about life, just sitting here writing this. I'm not sure what it is but just knowing that at least a few people will read this helps me to realize that I'm not so alone in the world.

So, in addition to all of my emotional/hormonal issues, we are preparing to move. I am looking forward to this particular move with much more excitement than trepidation (at least right now). We are very much hoping that this will be the last move before we buy a house. We thought that about this last move, but financial changes make things more difficult. Things didn't work out here the way we had hoped. But that's okay. We've lived here for over a year already! It's hard to believe that this time last year was much more difficult. We didn't have any of our stuff from the moving company – I was pregnant, sleeping on a leaky air mattress; we had 2 dogs and ScottE was working mostly in VA so he was gone a lot. The changes that have occurred over the past year have been incredible. We really love it here in PA.

I'm not entirely sure what this new leaf is going to bring into our lives. But I'm really hoping that it's more happiness and fewer arguments. So, here's to hoping! =)

Other than the difficult weeks between me and ScottE, things are going really well for Ender. He is starting to sit on his own, though he's not pulling himself up quite yet. He talks all the time and I'm sure we'll have a real word here real soon! I love watching him learn and grow. I'm so grateful to be his mommy! I'm going to be posting pictures and videos soon... I promise!