Human Nature?

I’m beginning to wonder if change is really possible. I would surely hope so because I am getting a bit tired of the way life is going right now. I feel I get caught in the same ruts over and over again… I try to find solutions, which work for some time, but then I fall back into old habits and have to start all over again. Why can’t I just make the change and it stick? Why do I have to keep making the same changes over and over again? As usual, my most recent project is trying to maintaining the house and my other responsibilities as the housekeeper. I have a really hard time establishing routines. I think the biggest issue is that I don’t have anyone to be accountable to. I know that keeping a clean house and paying the bills for my boys should be enough to make me get up and walk away from the TV or book or whatever, but for some reason it’s not. I’ve tried rewarding myself with TV time after I get stuff done, but I end up sitting down first and putting my chores off until later. I keep telling myself, “I’ll just do it later…” but then I don’t get those things done!

I’ve also noticed that I build things up in my head. I make it seem like whatever it is that I need to do is going to take me all day – or even more than 5 minutes and so I don’t want to do it right now… and I put it off. When the truth of the matter is, it really wouldn’t take that long if I would just get up and do it. Plus, then I would have more time to do what I want because I wouldn’t be worried about getting the necessary things done! Why can’t I convince myself of this? I know it to be truth! I know that I would only have to work for about an hour and then I could pretty much do whatever I wanted – make some new beauty product, research some new obsession, catch up on blogging, do some writing, watch a movie – whatever! I just should be getting my work done FIRST!!

One of the phrases I’ve had running through my head is to flip my “do it switch” to now – when I think of something to do, say the dishes or putting away the laundry, I should do it right then. No thinking about it, no rationalization of why I should be doing nothing, just do it. Of course this is much easier said than done… I guess I really just need to force myself and as I do so, it will become a habit and then I won’t have to worry about it because I’ll already be doing it! =)

I don’t know if there is anyone else that falls into this rut. The women that I spend time with seem to have everything figured out and are always bustling about doing the things that I should do on a regular basis but don’t, simply because I am lazy and unwilling to do the work that has been asked of me, even though it’s simple. I don’t know if I will ever be as productive as they, but I will definitely try! 

I just need to remember to flip my do it switch and that things never take as long as I think they will. Time to put up some Post-Its!! =) lol

Temple Trip

In my haste to talk about road kill, I forgot to mention our trip to the temple last weekend. I recently had the distinct impression that we would get pregnant after we had gone to the temple and Ender started walking. Well… at least one of those requisites has been achieved! Ender is doing pretty well with standing on his own and has taken some steps, but is still a bit out of walking on his own. ScottE and I hadn't been to the temple since I got pregnant with Ender which was more than 2.5 years ago. I really felt like we needed to make getting there a priority. It gets to be really tough because of ScottE's work schedule and the fact that he really only has one day a week to do things around the house and/or relax. We finally made the decision that this was something we really wanted to do and made the goofy choice of going to D.C. rather than Palmyra (D.C. is 5 hours away from where we live; Palmyra is only 2 hours). However, we wanted to go and see Carter and Jessica who live in Virginia and not very far from the D.C. temple. It became an all-day affair. We arrived around noon and had some time to kill until Carter got off work.

We went to the Smithsonian Air and Space museum! We brought a babysitter with us (a very willing and able young man named Jared from our branch) to watch Ender while we were in the temple. The boys had a lot of fun looking at all of the machines and gadgets. I got pretty bored pretty fast but I'm not really the museum-going-type. I like to sit and talk or watch a movie, not spend the afternoon on my feet. Ender was really tired because he didn't nap the entire drive down and he doesn't do well sitting still. He likes to be moving constantly. All things considered, he did pretty well for an almost 2 year old.

Shortly before Carter got off work, we headed back to their apartment to finish the preparations for dinner. Upon Carter's arrival, we had dinner and then prepared to depart to the temple. Traffic was relatively light which made our rush to attend our desired time slot a little less stressful.

I had forgotten how peaceful and quiet the temple can be. As soon as we walked in, my cares and worries vanished. I felt calm and complete. While sitting with ScottE after our session, I said a prayer to myself. I reflected on the things that I had learned and relearned and asked what more I could do to become the Daughter that He would like for me to become. Very clearly, I heard 3 things, very simple come back to me in my own voice. I was reminded of the importance of daily Scripture study, daily prayer and writing daily. These have been emphasized on an increasing basis to me, both in Church lessons and in personal reflection.

Since our trip, I have been trying to keep up with these three things. I have found that I sleep better when I read and say my prayers at night. But with our bedtime becoming later and later, it's been difficult for me to do both. I have been trying to at least read every night. Some weeks I do really well, others, not so much. But the point is that I'm trying.

As far as writing is concerned, I am doing my best. Some days I write and write, while others I only think about it. Again, I am trying… and that's really all I can do for now, is strive with all that I have to do better.

Too much TV

I feel like winter is coming to an end. The snow is beginning to melt and life will soon be getting back to normal. I've been trying to get out more and not just to hotels (which I'm sitting in right now). I'm trying to spend more time with family... it's still a work in progress, but I think I'm really starting to get better about not spending all of my time at home. I'm still watching too much TV, but I'm working to stop that too.

I've looked back over my past few posts of my Gratitude and Prayer blog and it seems that I continue to need to work on the same things – patience, time management and being in the moment. I don't like to repeat myself (just as ScottE, he'll tell you). I find myself in the same arguments, fighting the same problems. I am a big procrastinator, always have been. I've been trying desperately to fix this, but am finding a serious lack of motivation. When I get up in the morning (which is not as early as it should be), I make breakfast and then sit down in front of the TV. I only plan to watch one episode of something and then set to work on the house, but that one episode turns into 3 before Ender goes down for his nap. Then I tell myself that I'll only watch one more while I wait for Ender to be fully asleep, and that one more turns into another 3. I know the only way to really solve the problem is to not turn the TV on in the first place, but I really enjoy having something to do while eating. What's a girl to do?

I have been trying to get my attitude under control. Things are better when I get to see ScottE on a regular basis, but it's a lot of work getting everything together to come and stay in a hotel for part of the week. Hanging out, waiting for ScottE to get done with work is almost like being at home doing the exact same thing; I just don't have everything that I would normally have on hand. The best part is the fact that I get to spend time with ScottE! ;)

This Saturday, ScottE and I will be celebrating 6 years of marriage. It's hard to believe that I've been married for that long! Especially looking around at the world and seeing the divorce rate going up on a constant basis, especially in those my age. This is not to say that ScottE and I haven't had our problems... because we've had more than our fair share. But with each passing day, I realize how truly lucky I am and how very grateful I am that I don't have to worry about dating, or finding someone to complete me. Because I'm already complete! I do not envy those who are trying to find that perfect someone... ScottE knows me. He knows what I like and what I don't. He knows what to say to snap me out of a bad mood. He knows how to make me laugh, make me happy. I really wouldn't want to reteach someone all of those things. New relationships are fun. They are full of giddiness and butterflies. You know what though? They are also full of uncertainty. Knowing your partner inside and out makes everyday meaningful. It may seem mundane or at times boring, but I would not change my life for the world!!

Ender is growing up... I've posted some new pictures and a video on Facebook. I hope that you all enjoy them. I'm going to be making a greater effort to take more pictures and to write more. I hope to avoid the mundane, but mundane is better than nothing. ;)

Here's to 100

I am sitting in a hotel room in Lancaster, and while I should be doing my final or perhaps processing work orders, instead, I am writing a blog. Last night as I lay in bed trying to get my brain to shut up long enough for my body to relax and fall into Wonderland, I had this aspiration of reaching 100 posts on this blog by the end of the year. A relatively lofty goal, seeing as I only have 21 now. However, after some calculations, I have realized that if I post something, even if it's just a picture or video, or little blurb saying that “today was just like every other day,” it's still something and it will get me there. So, here's to 100. Wish me luck!

There were so many other things rolling through my brain last night and I really wish that I could remember at least some of them... but alas, having children kills brain cells (it's true, my best friend told me so), and I have completely forgotten everything that I wanted to write about. Perhaps the added benefit of having the ability to blog on my phone will stint this phenomenon. But until that happens, or it's a night that ScottE is out of town, this will probably be a common note in my blog. =)

Life is going well. It's been a bit of a challenge all around to have ScottE gone a lot right now, but it is a sacrifice we knew we would be making when we moved to Springville. It is nice to be able to come and see him every once in a while though; even if it means living without some of our everyday amenities (won't be happening in the snow!).

Ender is doing phenomenally well with everything these days. He's eating so many new things but it's still a little difficult to find things that he can feed himself without making too much of a mess. He eats a LOT of macaroni and cheese! Hands down his favorite thing right now, next to bananas of course. One other thing that I forgot to mention earlier is that he says “dada” for please. It's so cute! I know that it's not actually “please,” but it's a heck of a lot better than him screaming or fussing for food!

Until tomorrow... we'll see how long I can keep this up =)

A new idea

While things are in a bit of a tumult right now for my family, I feel the most calm and collected that I have felt in a very long time. I feel relatively free, and though things are very uncertain at this juncture, I'm okay with that. I have begun to realize that a home is a necessary sanctuary, but in times of need, it is vital to have a grounded and gracious support system. I have been very grateful as of late to spend time with family and friends – people that I have not known very well until our recent decision to be house-less. I have also realized that even though we do not currently have a house, we are not homeless. We have been lucky to have a constant place to stay and I for one am very grateful for that, among many other things that have occurred lately.

I have been reading eat pray love in anticipation of the release of the movie. It has been a very inspirational book. I may not be experiencing everything that this poor woman is going through, but on several levels I can relate. Her story has helped me to realize many things about myself and has prompted, while not as in-depth as hers, a self-exploration of sorts.

Ever since I saw the movie, Julie & Julia, I have been wanting to develop some kind of blog that I would have to write or do something everyday. This has been a challenge for me because I don't like to get stuck in any kind of rut and I was afraid that something like that would cause too much monotony in my life. As I began searching (and reading eat pray love), I began to formulate what it was I wanted to write about. I have decided to develop a play on a prayer journal. I plan to write, everyday, three things that I am grateful for and three things that I need to work on. I plan to elaborate on each thing, so it won't just be 6 statements, leaving the reader wondering what it is exactly that I am talking about. I'm not sure if I will post it everyday or not, but I will at the very least take the time to write down my 6 statements everyday and then post them as I manage my time. I am hoping that I will be able to do it everyday, but we shall see. I guess I'm also looking for some feedback on this idea... let me know what you think! =)

Other than being house-less, things are going really well for us. We've been able to get a few things taken care of and are currently house hunting, which is stressful, but I think I've reached a place where I can be a little zen about it. Ender has been adjusting relatively swimmingly to the waves of change in our lives right now... still not crawling, but I'm not too worried about it. I can't believe he's almost a year old! Where did the time go??

Also, I don't think I mentioned this before, but our car was hit recently. Additionally, it was having some mechanical issues, but we just got it out of the shop this past weekend. It has been so nice to be able to drive the car rather than our pick-up everywhere. I did not realize how much I missed my car! Driving the truck was a little laborious. I am very grateful to have my car back... it truly is the little things that make life grand. =) I really should have taken some pictures to share, but alas, I forgot.

So, I guess I'm looking for a little encouragement on my new idea, but I think I will start the real work on it this weekend. Please, let me know what you think! =) For now, ciao!

Birthday fun and Moving woes

I had a feeling that after updating my few readers about the minutia that has been going on that I would receive a deluge of inspiration to write. While I haven't really written anything since that time, I have had the urge to do so. Just today I had this vision of myself sitting down in some hotel room and finding the strength and motivation to write each and every day over the course of the next month or so. I'm not sure why. I think part of it is because I won't really have much else to do, but the other part is that I really want to be writing everyday. I just don't have the motivation or energy to do so. I need to just buck up and do it! I know I have at the very least a series of short stories in me... perhaps even a short novel – a novella, or something similar. I'm not getting my hopes up about anything though. And I'm certainly not deluded enough to think that I will ever become a published author, but still I can dream right?

Things have been going very well with the move. We are very quickly learning what we can live with and what we can easily live without. It will be nice to be down to a very few simple things, but it is also very scary to not have everything we are used to having on a regular basis. It's going to be rather interesting to see how Ender reacts to the constant changes that will occur over the next month or so.

On a different note, my birthday has come and gone... it was a good day though! ScottE and I went out to dinner and a movie – Red Robin (YUM!!) and Knight and Day. We had a great time and are very grateful to our neighbor who came over to stay with Ender. She has watched him for us a couple of times now, but he's always been in bed the entire time! Not much of job, but he's such an easy baby anyway! What really topped my night off was when we got home, Sarah (our neighbor) had cleaned my kitchen! I had left a few dishes in the sink from the past few days – I was going to get around to it the next morning, but I was ecstatic that I didn't have to worry about it. Probably my favorite gift! =)

Also, a few months ago, ScottE got me an iPhone from a friend of a friend. But it was just a 2G (so first generation) and only 4GB. It was sufficient for me and I was thrilled to have an iPhone. But being the klutz that I am, I dropped it and the screen quit working. I was very sad, but there is this awesome place in Lancaster that fixes all kinds of electronic devices (we had taken my iPhone there to get unlocked because we have T-Mobile). Anyway, I took it down there to get the screen repaired and they decided it probably wasn't worth it, but offered us a 3G for the same price! So, we thought, repair the 4GB or double my storage space for the same price? NO BRAINER!! We decided to get the newer phone. There were a few issues with it at first, and I still don't get great Wi-Fi connectivity, but it's mine and I love it. Kind of a birthday present to myself... =)