I have never been an early bird. In fact, I've never really been able to get up at the time when I set my alarm. I simply hit that snooze button as many times as I possibly can justify and get those few precious moments of added slumber. Yet for the past few weeks, I've been waking up much earlier than normal – any time between 4:30 and 5 am – no where close to normal for me. What's a girl to do? Normally, I can just go back to sleep. But this morning, after getting up, using the toilet, getting a drink of water, shifting positions repeatedly, my attempts have amassed to nothing. And here I am, writing to you instead of doing what I would much rather be doing – sleeping!
For as long as I can remember, my dad has been an early bird. Regardless of what time he goes to bed, he wakes up before his alarm. I had always been lucky enough to be able to sleep in until I truly wanted to get up. Is this the start of a new me? Am I going to be getting up with the sun? I'm not sure how long this will continue, but until it changes (or doesn't, I guess), I'm planning to take advantage of it.
In addition to waking up early, the past few weeks have been full of intense conversations, between me and ScottE as well as with our best friend back home, Laura. I'm not sure what else is going on, but there has definitely been some kind of shift within me. I'm calling it “delayed postpartum depression.” I've been rather moody and difficult to get along with. I applaud those who have seen this side of me and have dealt with it rather skillfully. Both ScottE and Laura have been the brunt of my wrath over the past few weeks and for that I am sorry. I know I can be difficult to get along with at times... but I feel we are on the upswing of things as I finally have realized what's going on.
I feel like Ender is growing up, like he's not my little baby anymore. I know he is still very dependent upon me for a lot of things. I'm so happy to see him learning and growing. But a part of me feels like he doesn't need so much from me, or perhaps that our bond isn't as strong as it used to be. Maybe another part of it is the fact that we live so far from all of our family and I've been more than a little homesick. Maybe another issue is just that I don't get out of the house as much as I should (or even could). Maybe I'm just getting baby hungry. Or perhaps my body is just starting to get back to normal after not having its cycle for over a year and a half. I'm not sure what is truly going on, but I do know this: I am aware of it and am doing something about it.
I am very determined to get up at a decent time (which for me is anytime before 7). Yesterday was a hard day, but I know today is going to be better. In point of fact, it already is as I am sitting here rather than lying in bed.
I am going to get out of the house more. I know I've said this in the past, but I am going to set a schedule, and stick to it. I find when I do spend time with others, I tend to stay until they kick me out (or rather politely say they have other things they need to get to), or until Ender or I get tired. I won't do that anymore. I will stay for a couple of hours, then get back to what I had planned for the day. I am hoping this will give me the motivation to actually do it rather than just saying that I will. I don't think I will get as overwhelmed with things this way. Plus, if things are going well, it will allow me to be happy with staying longer periods of time.
I think writing on a much more regular basis will help me with things too. I already feel a lot better about life, just sitting here writing this. I'm not sure what it is but just knowing that at least a few people will read this helps me to realize that I'm not so alone in the world.
So, in addition to all of my emotional/hormonal issues, we are preparing to move. I am looking forward to this particular move with much more excitement than trepidation (at least right now). We are very much hoping that this will be the last move before we buy a house. We thought that about this last move, but financial changes make things more difficult. Things didn't work out here the way we had hoped. But that's okay. We've lived here for over a year already! It's hard to believe that this time last year was much more difficult. We didn't have any of our stuff from the moving company – I was pregnant, sleeping on a leaky air mattress; we had 2 dogs and ScottE was working mostly in VA so he was gone a lot. The changes that have occurred over the past year have been incredible. We really love it here in PA.
I'm not entirely sure what this new leaf is going to bring into our lives. But I'm really hoping that it's more happiness and fewer arguments. So, here's to hoping! =)
Other than the difficult weeks between me and ScottE, things are going really well for Ender. He is starting to sit on his own, though he's not pulling himself up quite yet. He talks all the time and I'm sure we'll have a real word here real soon! I love watching him learn and grow. I'm so grateful to be his mommy! I'm going to be posting pictures and videos soon... I promise!
